the mormon dating dilemma | dessert parties

ok, so every culture has idiosyncrasies attached to their dating rituals.....
but since i'm an expert in mormon dating (expert only because i've been doing it for SOOO long), i have come to identify a few fundamental problems in our "system."

in nyc, mormon women outnumber mormon men four to one.
unfortunately, because the numbers are so off, it has created a real problem for the male/female dynamic.
sadly, most mormon activities (church sponsored or not) have turned into grotesque episodes of "the bachelor "where a flurry of fabulously over-qualified, beautiful women swarm around the lone man on the island (whether or not he's deserving of this busy bee attention).

what's a girl to do? she needs to make an impression!?
so the strange tradition of the "dessert party" was born.

a dessert party is usually hosted by a girl hoping to get a guy to like her.... she'll pretend there's no agenda, but she's lying. trust me.

now, she doesn't want to look like it's all about her so she'll usually host this party under the auspice that she's doing this for her friend. so pick an occasion. a housewarming, birthday, going away party, un-birthday, job promotion, you name it, she'll find an excuse for the sugar fest.

what an unselfish betty!

this way, she can promote the party to death and show her fierce martha stewart hostessing/cooking skills while looking fab. look at ME! i'm ready to be a wife!
now remember, she devises the guest list.
she controls the man/female ratio and a smart cookie will generally stack the odds in her favor.

the guest list takes a bit of skill. you don't want to go to all this hard work for another girl to sweep in and steal your target! so you only invite your closest friends who are in on the strategy and the crush's closest girl and guy friends so he feels comfortable and really wants to come. recipe for a win, no?

well, no... not really.
i can't tell you how many tears i've witnessed over failed dessert party matchmaking. nothing like slaving away in the kitchen all day for the object of your affection not to show up! or worse, he shows up, eats your souffle, and hooks up with another girl. ugh!

all of this to get a guy to see you. or at the very least, take you to dinner....

and sadly, because women have been so proactive (and most often, aggressive), the men don't need to actively pursue the women.
why would you spend money when you can eat her free treats?! (get your mind out of the gutter!)

so there we have it, kids.
one of the flaws in the mormon dating system.
alpha females and beta males and a lot of (literal) sugar between them.

photo by sussy
for one charming party


Anna said...

amen sister friend, amen.

eden said...

amen, amen, amen.

i'm tired of feeling like i need to fight the alpha females. so i don't.

and i'm tired of beta males who don't feel a need to step up. because they don't.

i hate dessert parties.

Ali said...

wait, seriously? this is a thing? sounds exhausting.
in high school we did something similar with going to the movies. if you liked a guy, you had to invite EVERYONE to the movies and make sure all the girls were in on the plan so that you could 'accidentally' end up sitting next to the guy you liked. then sit together in silence for two hours and go home. ha! at least you get dessert at your parties.

BB said...

hahahahaha~! My old roommies at the Y referred to this phenomenon as the "here is a cookie, LOVE ME" syndrome.
Though I must confess that I have used my cooking skills to woo a man, but we were dating and he wooed me with his cooking as well so....

L!$@ said...

Ha ha ha ha ha This post literally made me laugh out loud!! Not quite like that here but seriously funny!! :D Love it!!

Sarah boo said...

When I was at BYU Provo about 6,7 years ago, I remember that we had a devotional where one of the apostles,(can't remember who), actually addressed this exact thing. He said that all of us girls need to stop having these desert parties or dinners where we invite boys over to our apartments because it's making all the men lazy. They need to ask us out instead of being offered free food all the time.

Emily said...

Have you read "The Fascinating Girl" by Helen Andelin. She tells girls to do this sort of stuff.

katielizabethawkes said...

i am laughing and laughing at this. Just last night i was moaning about dating and my roommate was like "we'll fix all our problems with our party next week!" ....guillllty!

Lexi said...

ha ha one of my old roomates totally did this! Cracks me up!

Donna said...

Stop right now!! I have a friend who did this all the time at the Y.
And guess what? She married a Marriot!

Donna said...

my daughter really feels like this...she won't fight the alpha females..

Grahangela said...

Goodness, this brings back so many memories of girls at BYU trying to get boys to like them by making them desserts. At least Mormon dating seems to be the same no matter where you go. :)


Andrea said...

I cannot say how much I agree with everything you said! I call these girls "cookie bakers" They bake to flirt and it never works. I think it is ridiculous that it has gotten to the point that the boys feel like they do not have to do any work for a girl. I also think it is ridiculous that the girls allowed this!

julianna said...

New York dating IS like the bachelor! Sounds like a lot of "Dot. dot. dot."

Rutt Family said...

Just wondering if you read this blog post about Bentley from the Bachelorette?


I love how you recap the bachelorette and thought you might like this! Its hilarious :)

Monica said...

So funny. The methods may vary but the intent is always the same! I've been out of the dating scene for a while now, but, back in the day I always had a strict "no making cookies in college and giving them to family home evening brothers/the hotties in apt 18/etc.." The girls that did that always drove me crazy!!
Of course, now I have 4 little boys and the neighbor girls occasionally "drop by" with cookies for our "family" and I actually think it's kind of cute.

Bing said...

How about alpha females AND alpha males?

Meg Jorgensen said...

oh my goodness. Bless this post--I love it.

Matt said...

sub-par guys huh?

Maybe your problem is that you don't believe in the guys you are pursuing. Guys will eat dessert, but we really want a girl who is interested in us and believes in us (knowing someone is interested in you can make you attracted to them. It doesn't work 100% of the time, but it works better than dessert.)

Dessert parties are a great way to get to know more people. Don't keep inviting free loaders (Elder Oaks's instruction) but use these things to have a good time. As a guy I've spent plenty of time and money on dates that didn't pan out, I'm glad to see girls are putting in an effort too!

T.R. said...

I haven't been single in New York, but it seems that among my circle of friends and acquaintances, men were just as likely to plan a party (dessert, pancake, tea, bbq, etc.) in order to meet/talk to women.

Pooh said...

I just found your blog via a completely random trip though a series of other blogs. I had to comment even though I'm late to the game because I survived the special hell that is Mormon dating in Manhattan and lived to tell about it. After doing my time in Provo, I spent most of the 90's in NYC and it's environs, doing the single thang. I was there when Brent Belnap was the Bishop of the ONLY singles ward in NYC, the Manhattan 3rd. Yes, I'm that old. There was much about it that was excruciating, but I DID finally get married, to a Mormon NYU dental student. Twelve years later, we've got three kids, live FAR away fro the city, and life is pretty damn good. I haven't read much of your blog except to see that you are hi-freakin-larious, so I don't know how you are about the LDS dating scene. Just don't be like I was, i.e. bitter and over-thinking EVERYTHING. Resign yourself to being happy, whether single or married, and voila: life will happen. Good luck with everything (dot. dot. dot.)

Ariel Johnson said...

And this is why i now only date non-members