merry little christmases now and all that...

4 yr old pic of stellie and me by sussy

have you ever heard the original lyrics to "have yourself a merry little christmas?"

Have yourself a merry little Christmas, it may be your last,
Next year we may all be living in the past
Have yourself a merry little Christmas, pop that champagne cork,
Next year we will all be living in New York.

No good times like the olden days, happy golden days of yore,
Faithful friends who were dear to us, will be near to us no more.

But at least we all will be together, if the Fates allow,
From now on we'll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

depressing, no?
 but i DO like the lyric, "next year we all will be living in new york."

when i was around 8 or 9, i duped my mom into telling me that santa wasn't real. 
i'll never forget it. 
we had gone to crossroads plaza in SLC to attend the nordstrom (half-yearly/ anniversary??) sale. the children's department felt immense to me at that age. 
just dozens of giant rounders stuffed with clothes- an ideal place to play and hide if only it was appropriate. 

i truly believed santa was real but i had heard whisperings at school. Not wanting to be the last to know, i decided i'd fish it out of my mom. 

i scooted around the party dresses and said, "everyone at school knows that santa isn't real."
mom: "oh! you found out?"

cue crushed spirit and massive heartbreak. 

that christmas felt like a giant hoax. i wanted to tell my sisters -not for the justice of knowing, but cause if my christmas was going to be hell, i wanted to ruin EVERYONE ELSES! (i was 8... with a vindictive streak, obviously)

not since that wretched christmas have i found the season so empty. 
sure, i've spent many holidays away from my family, but was always surrounded by great friends and a lovely environment. and even though i DO get to skip to utah for 24 hrs on christmas day (yaaay!), it just doesn't feel like christmas....

i know the spirit of christmas begins with me- yadda, yadda, yadda....
 i've done the work! i'm not a slacker!
i've read about the Christ child, i've sung carols, i've done it all.... still nothing. ugh. 

christmas is home & snow & cold & nyc lights & hot cocoa @ rockefeller center & deer valley & family & puzzles & gingersnaps & homespun nativity spectaculars & christmas markets & love. 
so much love. 

but i'm feeling very alone in this palm tree place. 

i'm sure some of you are in the same boat... and instead of being all cheery and sappy, i'm telling you, i feel your pain. i get it. 

but enough of that. let's look forward to future christmases? 

ok... i'm gonna cheer up with the revised lyrics to "have yourself a merry little christmas"... especially this verse:

through the years
we all will be together
if the {Lord} allows
Hang a shining star 
upon the highest bar and
have yourself a merry little Christmas now. 

here's to next year... here's to christmas's that won't always feel like this and here's to choosing to have a merrier christmas NOW. 

oooh, and have you seen the 2011 Hill Family Christmas card? 
for the record, i was not entirely behind it but i was out voted:
check it out on sussy's blog

*also, sorry about the font eye offense---blogger is messsssed up right now...


Chelsea said...

that christmas card is hilarious

Julie Weiss said...

My son was 10(!) when he stopped believing in Santa. It was his own fault, really. He peeked and saw all his presents. When he fessed up and said "Santa didn't bring me anything--YOU gave me everything" and I told him he was correct and that I was Santa, he was crushed. I felt so badly for him. What a shock it was for him, but he hasn't peeked since, I think. I found a perfect hiding place, anyway. The kids haven't discovered that I put the gifts in our empty suitcases. ;)

Emily Foley said...

I think a lot of people are feeling that way this year. I moved this year so it's me and my kids and husband alone for the first time in 10 years and it feels very lonely. I'm doing my best to make it awesome for them, I really am, but it's HARD. I hope the next two days are cheery for you. Merry Christmas!

eden said...

i heard those original lyrics when i was watching a behind-the-scenes of 'meet me in st. louis.' they said judy garland refused to sing those words to a little girl, so they were changed for the movie.

i say good for her. (:

katilda said...

um i so totally caught that subtle What About Bob Quote. "I've done the work! I'm not a slacker!" ....major props.

The Childlike Empress said...

oh yes, i know the feeling...i have two performances of nutcracker on christmas day....yuck...

although on the santa clause front i kept pretending to my parents that i believed way longer than i actually did, mainly because being the second oldest in a family of 10 kids, once you cottoned on you got pulled in to do the wrapping.....

jessica said...

Guuurrrll I am totally feeling you this holiday. But please have such a blast on your 24 hours excursion with the fam!!!! You deserve all the lovely and happy things that could ever come your way. I adore you :)

Drew said...

where do I apply?