the bachelor ben { episode 2 - bye bye blogger }

long story... and more on mexico later...
but i got re routed to utah and my bags went to vegas... so instead of moving to utah from vegas today, i'm just hanging out and watching the national football championship with my family/friends and their husbands/boyfriends..... 
so we felt we'd even the score and make them watch the bachelor.
there was no forcing there.... the guys loved it and cracked me UP. 
here's our commentary. 
  1. that foul hair. 
  2. "stop shaving your legs"-nicole to ban
  3. did he rent that dog?
  4. i'm so over him using the dad for sympathy. 
  5. you KNOW that isn't his real house. 
  6. oh, ok. 
  7. one shoulder.... too low. 
  8. "is this real life?'
  9. windblown ponytail.
  10. how many layers is ban wearing in that confessional.
  11. yeah! score one for sandy bullock! we love kacie. 
  12. the whole room loves her. 
  13. "except her sideburns go down too far"- nicole
  14. kacie's hairline is slightly wiggish. 
  15. live for that car.
  16. how are ya?!
  17. hoping she's the appropriate woman? weird. 
  18. cuuuute outfit, kacie.
  19. it's so awkie when ban has to call her kacie b. like... drop the last name letter or change your name, kace?
  20. nothing says, "this is sonoma" quite like random chopsticks on a deserted piano.
  21. baton twirler..
  22. bret says "red flag!"
  23. i think it's cute and dorky. 
  24. that was planted for. sure. 
  25. oh yeah, ban. you're so damn cool and masculine for twirling a baton in the middle of a deserted street. 
  26. "i like how he pretends he hasn't been in a marching band his whole life" - seth
  27. it's like mayberry?
  28. not exactly. 
  29. i hope she just causally places the baton on the table next to the rose
  30. oooh kacie b. is wearing the jillian necklace. 
  31. yeah... apparent sideburns. 
  32. vomiting over the hair. 
  33. he's so boring... if he's not gonna be funny, he should at least be hot like womak. 
  34. news flash, kacie: every girl/person is a hopeless romantic. 
  35. he's BORING. 
  36. do they tell them to do some oddball action when their names are read for the dates?
  37. this is not the first rose, you dummy. 
  38. yadda yadda journey this journey that... please say, my last journey hit a dead end so i had to flip a bitch and now i'm backtracking and trying to find another dummy who doesn't care that i'm personality-free.
  39. ooh ban! YOU planned all this? how sweet!
  40. ok.. the wedding video is so creepy. 
  41. mom thinks it's creative. 
  42. love the baton footage. 
  43. ban is a nudist. 
  44. oooh boy more dad talk. 
  45. don't get me wrong. that's horrible and terrible but is this going to come up every episode?
  46. nice bowl cut, ban.
  47. {ban's family picture} "which one's ban?" -seth
  48. those intimate and tragic moments are too soon for a first date. 
  49. there's always an emotionally manipulative or crazy stunt fear factor date to "bond" them. 
  50. ben is real. gross. 
  51. "it's just too bad you can't see the cue cards" -dad
  52. ban got a flat ironed job for the group date.
  53. what is that whore onesie on blakely! is that your tao beach club uniform?
  54. did ban go clubbing last night? what's that bracelet?
  55. um.. what is a "dental consultant?"
  56. i love their community involvement dates. so awkie. 
  57. i'm desperate for one of these girls to revela that she hates children. 
  58. this is so uncomfortable. 
  59. "the combined IQ of all the women is 130"- dad
  60. the mom of the kid who asked for the sexy dance is dying right now. 
  61. good theory, sassy black girl! 
  62. the kid who asked her to JOG already has a porn problem. 
  63. that little girl who was not a fan of her is amazing. 
  64. oooh catty !
  65. not gonna beat a dead horse.... pun intended. 
  66. fondling? in a kid show?
  67. porn boy put that in. 
  68. good move, producers. cover those jugs with the gingie man. 
  69. oooh slutty pig!
  70. do they all have the jillian necklaces? that crazy girl from utah has it too. i'm not into it. 
  71. is everyone a dental hygienest?
  72. pino is sorta penis-y.
  73. why the accent?
  74. that girl with the bangs looks like cheryl teigs. 
  75. "bens closest friends are the elderly and children?" - adam
  76. you are off book!!!
  77. "what happens when a prince kisses an ass?!"
  78. there are children and the elderly!! keep your clothes on!
  79. did the porn boy suggest that stripper music?
  80. blonde is NOT that princess girl's color. 
  81. what is with ban's penis sword dance?!
  82. is crazy blogger on this date? where's her facetime. 
  83. "standing ovation?!" -dad "they're glad it's over!"- seth. 
  84. oh boy. the liquor. they're a sloppy bunch. 
  85. blakely's miss america 1999 hair is cray . 
  86. she looks like my friend merrill west with her hair back, right rosie? #broadwaylookalikes
  87. "how can you swim in those earrings"- ang 
  88. "how can she swim in a smokey eye"- me
  89. "how can she swim in those veneers?!"- nicole
  90. what areas are you blessed in, exactly?
  91. model is cray cray. 
  92. the last thing she needs to do is drain a few (more) bottles. 
  93. what is sandy bullock doing in that "while you were sleeping" 90's sweater neckline. 
  94. lots of flotation devices in that pool. 
  95. glad to know the earrings made it into the pool. 
  96. "isn't swimming and alcohol a bad idea"- seth. 
  97. "can the bachelor ever say no [ to one on one time } " - bret.
  98. he's giving her such short answers then he goes in for a smacky gingie kiss. 
  99. soooo much oral herpes this season. 
  100. oooh she's a scorpio. that explains it. 
  101. "[ scorpio! ] just me and the hooker!" - mom
  102. "look at the resistance in his neck when she pulls him in"- nicole. 
  103. why are these idiots thinking they're the only girls he's kissing?!
  104. "her journey to gonorrhea has just begun" - adam. 
  105. eeew. lots of piercings this season!
  106. "i hate ban! he has bad taste!" - bret.
  107.  gingie is crumbling!
  108. i love a black mascara streak tear. 
  109. ahahaha! 'we hate you'
  110. ooooh those girls iced her!
  111.  sometimes model is gorgeous and sometimes she looks like a tranny.
  112. "and i and scotch".... 
  113. here's my seasonal grammar check. "ban, scotch, and me"
  114. he's mounting scotch. 
  115. the puppy talk is so weird. 
  116. "i've just been doing me for a while." .... dirrrrty.
  117. why is she baby talking?
  118. i love how everyone says they want to get married and travel then have children. 
  119. mom is distracted by model's hole in her hair. 
  120. courtney's smart, ban? really?
  121. greeeasy hair, ban. vim. 
  122. "i wonder how many mosquito bites they got sitting there." - ali
  123. 4 layers on that confessional outfit with an "eggplant v-neck kicker" (adam)
  124. who wants to sit on a hay bale?!
  125. "pokey!"- jacob
  126. "you've got a winning personality!"
  127. "winning is her favorite word"- adam
  128. "she learned that from her time with charlie sheen."- nicole.
  129. we've noticed that whenever ban starts talking we all start talking.
  130. "i don't care about his friends or family!" - seth.
  131. "just get back to the craaaaazy bitches!"- adam.
  132. you've dated an actor? congrats!  would you like a medal?
  133. "well.. you know she has said a lot of words for a model."- nicole.
  134. awkward pecktown with a proceeding tongue. 
  135. "she dove in lip-injection first on that one!"- adam. 
  136. he really does love to give a 4-5 minute monologue before presenting these roses. 
  137. he thought he'd be MORE reserved?! he's so monotone and boring!
  138. i just hope they fall off that swing. 
  139.  looootta bad spray tans. 
  140. "what's with lipstick colors and women right now?" - seth.
  141. lotta lace tops. 
  142. i wish one girls who already got the rose would just keep it in her teeth the entire cocktail hour. 
  143. do you think ban's bangs were round brushed then flattened off?
  144. lindzi has rough name spelling but a really cute body and needs a darker lip color. 
  145. why do girls think all guys want you to play in the dirt?
  146. samantha looks like a byu cheerleader.
  147. that girl is trying to provoke slutty blakely. 
  148. the gal in emerald gave total lizard face. 
  149. mom's wondering how long this filming goes cause cause she already thinks a couple of girls already need their roots done and it's only week two 
  150. byu cheerleader has some looooong boobies. 
  151. cheryl teigs needs to take out her piercings. 
  152. ali thinks sandy bullock looks like lila garrity.
  153. she is NOT going in for another one on one talk. 
  154. that bloggers melded highlights are turning chlorine green. eeks.
  155. oooh he raaaan from her!
  156.  when you're a vip cocktail waitress, you always reach for bottles with your booty out. 
  157. the phD candidate looks like kendra wilkenson
  158. blogger is trying to burn the joint down. 
  159. "it's like a war zone... with candles" - ang.
  160. ladies, i say it every single season: frosty shadow is NEVER a good idea. 
  161. things to never say to a man: "i'm like a guy."
  162. blogger's drunk confessional faces are KILLING me. 
  163. you're not a typical girl? do you have male parts as well?
  164. "i'm sotally tober!" - adam.
  165. she always melts down at the rose ceremony. 
  166. kacie is adorable. i like the nod to the 80's. she's working for me. 
  167. every time jaclyn is on screen the entire room peals in laughter ... too much to write here. 
  168. i love the lace dress on the model. 
  169. blakely DOES have feelings, you guys! 
  170. "how much cocaine is that in that ring, right there?" adam. 
  171. you really should invest in good luggage if it's gonna be on camera. save the cheeseball prints.
  172. it's hilarious how the bachelor always tries to mediate the hen house drama. 
  173. woaaaah! i can almost see that girl's cooter! crossed legs on the couch with ben!
  174. "[ as blakely ] i don't love all this... i just really love luggage."- bret
  175.  get yourself off the baggage carousel and get back to the cocktails, nutbag!
  176. poor guy is making the rounds to scrape these crazies off the floor. 
  177. i can see the blogger's cutlets. 
  178. "the model's forehead looks like ron howard" - adam. 
  179. i'm kinda missing the tension btwn crazy slc and the blogger.
  180. elise is like a lip-less betheny frankel.
  181. who are half of these girls?!
  182. oooh burrrr! i'm just so freezing cause i don't eat!
  183. "who ISN'T a dental hygenist?!"- mom
  184. who is kacie S?! gorgeous mermaid caissie levy look-alike!
  185. ooh good. we need to keep slc in the game. 
  186. "this is when chris pauses his xbox game and comes out of the van to announce the final rose."- adam.
  187. boo! sending cute tracy turnblad home?!
  188. i'm sooo curious to go to crazy blogger's website but i honestly don't want to up her numbers.
  189. this is a good farewell monologue and i sorta love the white nail. 
  190. do you think the california tourism council is buying hosting space for their great state? 
  191. perfect cue, sirens. classic. 
  192. "they busted blakely for hooking on the corner."- adam. 
  193. he looks like a monkey.

what do you think? xo our motley crew.


Shauna said...

hairstylists think alike. I, too, was concerned about Courtneys bald spot on her one on one. Your part should not continue down the back of your head. TRAGEDY.

Julie Weiss said...

Jaclyn looks like the Mona Lisa, no?

Maria said...

I think y'all look like your having a lot of fun!

shannon said...

i haven't watched it yet...but i CAN'T WAIT! and it kinda looks like sussy is about to flip you off :)

Emily Foley said...

I'm dying! My husband said the EXACT same thing about "winning" and Charlie Sheen! So funny. He also said the same thing about girls saying they're just "one of the guys". Men do not want to hear that. Stop saying it, ladies.

Model dated that guy who was the gardener on Desperate Housewives. Jesse Metcalf I think?

I'm dying over horse-girl's hair. Lindzi maybe? She is gorgeous but the color is just...off. She'd look fantastic as a brunette.

Carrie Lynn said...

I'm betting the model will win. Or at least be in the final two. Ben seems to be into sex more than anything. Also, I don't think he would have gotten Ashley to the final two if the tables had been flipped.

Ditto on the at least be hot like Womack comment. My thoughts exactly.

Kate said...

Adam needs to do a weekly update cause his comments were HILARIOUS !!!

dave + kirst said...

My husband totally looked up crazy blogger website and it's "under construction". Poor girl. I bet she's just so embarrassed. She needed to take her meds before being on national tv...

brandilyn said...

this whole episode felt like a sales pitch for the town of sonoma. "oh, BIN, i just love sonoma! i feel at home in sonoma! hello town of sonoma! sonoma is so beautiful!"

Deveny said...

Blogger's sign off sounded so forced - I couldn't even tell if those were real tears. Totally called it - she was out there for her blog material/15 min. Train wreck.

ash said...

LOVE your bachelor commentary :)

megan said...

I did go to her site, and it was nothing. Hardly any content, nothing recent, and everything "under construction." I'm so glad she's gone.

the mom~ said...

BEST bachelor recap! I am at work and DYING of laughter...a coworker asked, "What are you looking at/reading?" Ha!

Andrea Wyss said...

thing that kills me the most - Courtney's stupid lip pursing. It makes her upper lip look huge and it isn't even attractive! She drives me nuts!

Lauren {Awkward Girls} said...

i think my roommate and I literally said half of these things too while we were watching. These girls are nuts. But for some reason, I just can't stop watching.