{ bachelor ben- episode 4 } - the earnest blonde utahan scene stealer

tonight's bachelor adventure took me to queens to my hilarious sister-duo friends nadia and audra's pad. i laughed my head off. we also had sister #3 (they come from a fam of 5 gals as well), noelle's, input as well as friend melissa.
it was a drizzly night in nyc and i needed some wahaab love, nadia's corn chowder & audra's amazing bachelor-themed cupcakes.

my all time favorite moment of the night was when this creeper

repeatedly got in the spotlight/frame....

 here she is again. i almost wet my pants over it. just sooo grinny and in it.
who knows her, utah! fess up! her fb must have blown up over this!

i'll accept this rose (or 2) any time!
aren't these adorable?! check out audra's baking blog! she's amazing.

1. yay utah!!
2. gross. ben is a disaster on a horse. 
3. you guys!!! this is my place!
4. ******breaking news **** i hear from a nyc source that that crazy model biatch was telling people that she won... which makes me know she didn't cause those winners are locked tight into a confidentiality clause... hey ABC, watch her. 
5. is this the first helicopter of the season? i believe it is. copter count: 1
6. engage your core on that horse , you floppy wit. 
7. his hair. vim. 
8. my place is so pretty. 
9. jersey shore needs to go. 
10. i love kacie b- she'll be the next bachelorette after emily for sure. 
11. holy lipliner, blakely. 
12. chris! sporting a jaunty banana republic look. 
13. i think the red head is a serial killer.
14. we all agree that kacie is way too pretty for fugly ben. 
15. cheryl teigs on the one on one? send that tranny home!
16. oh no . oh no, kacie. get it together.
17. nice padded bra, cheryl.
18. don't like kacie's flat ironed look... looks damaged. take note, girls.
19. kacie!!! shut the eff up!!!!
20. at least she's doing it in the confessionals. keep it together around the other gals.
21. bridal veil falls??? jordanelle dam?! my places! 
22. i'm totally not into cheryl teigs. 
23. nadia thinks she's too old for ban. i agree.
24. kayak. first thought: please tip over.
25. she's giving him porn voices and i'm not having it. 
26. look at those nasty bugs... nothing says romance like swarming insects around you kissing. 
27. crazy utahan seems relatively normal right now-she must be so pissed that they're in utah. 
28. i think cheryl teigs seems hung over 24 / 7.
29. ahahahah! awkward silence-- now she calls out his "wink" and he's just squinting. 
30. "crows feet" that's what we're talking about--because he's seeing it on her face.
31. ooop! talking about the weather = kiss of death.
32. beaver dams.... reeeeally downhill.
33. she's going home. 
34. where are they, utahns? that lake by timp?
35. this walking thru the woods reminds me of high school. 
36. 3 layered confessional, ban? all olive? weird. 
37. he doesn't like her. 
38. he's not "confused." he just doesn't like her. 
39. i love a good yurt.
40. the food is untouched and he's saying "gotcha".... it's over.
41. "i'm used to having him all to myself"?!? in your dreams, crazy town? kacie get with it. 
42. these girls need to have a 5 min reality check with one of their outside girfriends to make them normal again-melissa.
43. ew fishing. no thanks.
44. the model blossoms? like puberty?
45. audra thinks the model is the michelle $ of this season.
46. nadia thinks emily the doctor is way too smart for ben.
47. why do they talk about relationships in the general and abstract? just get to know each other.
48. "this fire is hot"...... derrrr. yep. hotter than your chemistry.
49. how on earth is she falling for him?! excuse me?
50. are we now matching nails to shirts to jewelry to eyeshadow? fyi, light grey isn't flattering on many complexions....
51. he's thinking about sports while she drivels this monotone monologue.
52. "ooooh i'm 50" says cheryl teigs- nadia.
53. is this really happening? he's giving her a rose?
54. does he have NO STANDARDS?! - nadia
55. yeah the date totally sucks, i'm confused and she doesn't open up so i'll give her a rose.
56. nothing is more unsexual than a phallic object going into your guys mouth....
57. why is blakely miss usa  ready at all times. 
58. he's like a floppy fish on that horse.
59. ben on a horse doesn't have the same effect as brad on a horse-nadia.
60. ooooh look at his face! woooah nellie! i wish he'd fall off!
61. aaahahaha! go cart race! that's a funny joke!
62. horse girl is freaking thrilled. 
63. she can't pretend she's riding well.
64. striped shirt girl looks like laguna beach girl.
65. ok, they got that wax seal necklace? is that so he can remember their names? just use name tags. 
66. ew. please stop the horse/prince references.
67. how is ben acting like he knows what he's doing. 
68. this must be provo canyon.
69. kacie seriously is sandra bullock. 
70. why does blakely have  a wilted flower behind her ear.
71. i love the models courting tutorials. 
72. can we make a montage of all of her soundbites and make "courtney's guide to dating?"- audra
73. BEN!!! she doesn't "get " anything. she's a slutty fugly model. 
74. of course they're drinking.. it's like 11 am.
75. lindzi has courtney's moves down! go in, girl!
76. and courtney one ups you again with a fish! 
77. ew! why are we kissing fish. 
78. baby voices?! gross. 
79. yowzah! she's wretched!
80. why is the model always posing?
81. that upper lip filler is super distracting.
82. woooah! boobs! who is that?
83. i love that they never give them food- just apps & bevys.
84. samantha looks like ashley tisdale- audra.
85. finally! kacie S!
86. i dig her. 
87. i like the pop of neon and the blue nails. 
88. she has great style. 
89. why haven't we seen her before? i like her. 
90. woah! nikki's red face?! she's druuunk.
91. yes, it IS terrifying, nikki..... you DON'T know him.
92. "i think you thrive in a group setting"-- as in "i don't really want to be around you."
93. way to throw the sob story right out, girl.
94. her boss? that's traumatic, sure...but reaching. 
95. and actually, now i don't have a job...so ..... i really need the rose. 
96. what did he mumble that she plowed over. 
97. INCOMING! ashley tisdale byu cheerleader!
98. GO COUGARS!
99. what is that creepy voice she's doing?
100. she's aggressive! the girl before said she's grateful and this girl demands to know WHY!
101. sweet tiffany necklace. 
102. total nose job..
103. lash extensions & possible veneers? is that why she's lisping?
104. she's been emotional? why haven't we seen the emotional?
105. she's shocked. 
106. flip the hair. 
107. biiiig veneers. can't close her mouth.
108. he's PRAYING someone saves him from her. 
109. good for him for being honest. 
110. her house of cards is crumbling. 
111. bunny teeth.
112. i wish we'd seen more of her train wreck coming. 
113. she's super high maintenance. 
114. i like that he showed SOME spunk. 
115. waaait. blakely isn't a VIP cocktail waitress in NC.... no. she's vegas.
116. i think crazy utah is semi normal but she got shitfaced and acted a fool. 
117. she's not upset about ben. she's embarrassed. 
118. ooooh she's the one with the huge boobs. 
119. model's skin looks insanely discolored. 
120. ben's trying to pull a bieber with that sweatshirt.
121. oooh the girls are nervous they'll get cut after a 16 bar audition.
122. jennifer is serial killer'ish.
123. love kacie's sweater. ..but pull it over the boob. 
124. so he's at the waldorf and the girls are at the canyons? bummer. i'd have requested the st. regis.
125. her accent gets real thick when she's sweet talkin.
126. kacie just did a double wink. 
127. why the fake engagement ring?!
128. NOT so subtle hint- nadia.
129. how did they sneak away to this private one on one
130. his mouth looks like scar from lion king. awkward kisser!
131. oooh adam and eve! they both look nakie. 
132. he has nice hands. 
133. is that a missoni bikini?
134. yeah. from target- nadia.
135. she's eating her bottom lip. 
136. who enjoys reassuring these debbie downers?!
137. she's so manipulative. 
138. he's obsessed with the model. 
139. only so he can say, "i dated a model."
140. she's the fakest thing ever. 
141. noooooo don't give that cow the rose!!!!! 
142. nadia is sure that the model was one of charlie sheen's goddesses. #winning!
143. oooh good ! the hair flip and the lip chew! she's a flirt expert. 
144. "i do"... subliminal!!! she's like a literal witch... casting her spell.
145. kacie is a curly like me! she needs good product and that look would be a win!
146. the mirror close up is super axe murder.
147. the forehead vein!!! 
148. they're not making that nacklace happen.
149. those jeans are from 1990.
150. they're from aeropostale- nadia.
151. utah is sooo pretty. 
152. buuurn those jeans, jen-serial killer.
153. those roots are ALWAYS offensive.
154. no trespassing signs for the drama... um obviously this is pre-rigged. 
155. nadia- as a red head- is furious. 
156. you guys, the hot pots are not sexy. they smell like sulfuric farts and are gross and dirty. 
157. they're in midway, utah.
158. you did NOT cliche the "plunge!!!" vim. 
159. Utahan seems like a woman compared to the rest of the girls- nadia.
160. and blakely is a woman of the NIGHT- audra.
161. back to the hot pots.... straddle each other.!
162. excuse me, what is scary about this? they have people rigging them down. 
163. it doesn't look that far down. 
164. here we go with the "trust talk."
165. she does have a cute body- not many birds could pull of the harness around the heiney look.
166. are they on a lift at deer valley?
167. there are some deer so.. .probably- nadia.
168. she has "fillings" for ben. 
169. are they sharing the same plate?
170. is he cutting her meat?
171. how many layers? hoodie, pull over & jacket. 
172. why would she have to deal with his inflexible life and why is he asking? 
173. she looks like a fish. 
174. she looks better as a rained out brunette!- noelle
175. oooh bummer. that girl is balding. 
176. and that bump-it is tragic. who is that?
177. how are we still seeing new girls?
178. essie ballet slippers on the model.
179. oh good! at least SOMEONE is getting their roots done!
180. naturally, blakely does highlights. 
181. prom hair on utah....
182. "vegan/raw doe eyed model?" i can't stand her. 
183. guess they love blakely now?
184. juuust keep drinkin, doc. 
185. when you don't have a lid, STAY AWAY FROM THE FROSTY SHADOW... 
186. or just DO THAT IN GENERAL!
187. he likes her cause she's not a threat. 
188. why wasn't i invited to this "private concert?"
189. who is this country preson?
190. why is he swing dancing ?
191. aaah they're at the canyons. 
192. nothing is more awkward than holding a rose for the rest of the night. 
193. who is that dumb utah girl trying to get in their shot? i'm dying laughing. this is her MOMENT!!! i'm crying laughing.
194. his hair is the ultimate worst. 
195. he's pitchy, dog. 
196. oooh that blondie is in the shot again!! i'm living for her!
197. rose ceremony
198. good job on those highlights, blakely!
199. i hope courtney falls in the fire while she's posing. 
200. woooah! bump it looks like a figure skater. 
201. i didn't think the doc would be the whistler blower!
202. ben is retarded. he's not believing her. 
203. he's not going to listen. 
204. oooh ouch. he's slapping her down. 
205. she's giving me rachel mcadams feelings. 
206. i think she just ruined it for herself. 
207. he'll cut people out if anyone questions him. 
208. kacie S is just a little fab doll.
209. first rule of dating: never ever talk about another woman when you're with a man. 
210. Casey S. is friends with courtney?! oooh no....
211. the only reason courtney is nice to casey is because she hasn't had a one on one. 
212. ok, doc. you've lost your mind. time for you to go home. 
213. ooooh "get a drink" is code for "tattle on you."
214. ooop! i was right. 
215. that neckline is too high for those big boobs. 
216. i love a mouthed "wow"
217. "i'm a nice person. don't f*&% with me." "i almost want to rip her head off and verbally assault her." "or just shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night."--i kind of get that- those eyebrows are bad. "she should watch herself."
218. LOVING that. LOVING. 
219. you guys!!! these are things nice people say!!!
220. we've decided that casey must be stupid which is why we haven't seen her. 
221. nikki- flat iron flat hair, smooshed boobes & purple eyeshadow isn't cute. 
222. oooh nikki! you just ruined your hair. 
223. and ben has a round brush blow out!
224. don't bring up girls!!! dummy.
225. aren't those girls close enough to hear?
226. casey couldn't be more obvious. 
227. woah! utah has her boobs out!
228. "i know myself reeeally well." -model. she's nuts. 
229. i wish the model would put lipstick on.
230. emily shouldn't deny that. 
231. "that's all i'm gonna say. " wait... here are some more obscenities. 
232. STOP SAYING WINNING!!!
233. she just played a rose pantomime- nadia.
234. the utah lesbian is the voice of reason.
235. she's the 40 yr old den mother for the girls-nadia.
236. she's mrs garrett from the facts of life.
237. "it's not a good look."- what does that mean?- nadia.
238. model just chugs wine in the shadows. 
239. blakely and those boobs. shocking.
240. a monumental night? 
241. what is behind him? is that a human heart splattered on a plate?- nadia.
242. you were a dummy, doc. a total dummy.
243. it was nice of them to bring the quakies in for this rose ceremony .
244. rustic.
245. it was nice of them to gloss the lips before they bite them desperately.
246. can we send jersey shore home?
247. those yellow nails are offensive. nix.
248. does he have a teleprompter for their names.
249. jersey shore got a rose?! what?!
250. i think casey s needs to go. she's mean. 
251. "you won't regret this"- jersey shore
252. "but what if i do?"- ben.
253. way to exasperate, blakely.
254. chris is looking more and more eagle-like every day. 
255. doc's lipgloss is all over the place. 
256. nooooo! they axed lezzie utah in her state to save the travel fee. 
257. i was liking her in the end. 
258. ouch to get sent home in your own state. 
259. ben has dorothy hamill hair in that snowy/angsty shot. 
260. she seemed low drama after the first ep. i liked her.
261. oh the synthetic angel music is heartbreaking.... not really.
262. mean for them to have to drive her thru down town park city... not anywhere near the way home.
263. "i was there 2 months ago."... cue awkward pause.... and she's TOTALLY penelope!
264. well.. i discovered puerto rico, so... i was the anita who anita was based on... soo... i gave them the idea for west side story... so..... i am miss puerto rico so....
265. oooh the evil witch cackle!!! and skinny dipping! big news!!!
266. blakely seems semi-normal now... 

i got the following comments from my mom via text which i'm loving. 

• your dad and i are watching the bachelor
• did you see the horse wrangler in front of ben as he crossed the river? woops!
• he's two fisted & white knuckled at the horn [ on the saddle ].
• he needs to take it in the legs, dude [ again, about his loosy goosy saddle technique ]
• and butt! that's why cowboys have those tight A's.
• that blonde stalker! so yearning!
• the girl who went home has horrible unpolished nails. she should be so embarrassed.