{ the bachelor- ben } episode 9 - sex in switzerland!!

ugh! how did i miss that crazy court's vows were from SATC?! 

prolly because i was SO creeped out and bored by it and still new to pinterest....

today, we had mom and dad (who are new bach devotees), adam, nicole & ali. 

1. two "adventures, two "these women," and two "journey's" in the first intro. well done, ben. your vocabulary is getting smaller and smaller and smaller.
2. poor nikki, that booty/muffin top/tramp stamp shot. 
3. and why the hell is ben "angry?"
4. nikki says "like" a lot... and with a glottal fry...which as you know, makes me murderous. 
5. the high woodwind underscoring is making me vim. 
6. yes, she wears her "country" with her wretched makeup/hair style and wears her "city" when she doesn't know how to get off a horse. 
7. ben is from "planet of the apes!"- dad.
8.  watch ben's stiff / put out arm as he pulls lindzi's parents.
9. courtney's "magical force"= sex. 
10. courtney's nerdy? i didn't know nerds have a below average IQ. 
11. look at that patchy beard?! woof. 
12. ben's favorite adjective twins: magestic + magical. 
13. look at that FIERCE euro outfit! 
14. looks more like a monkey than ever...
15. i'm desperate to go to switzerland. 
16. did nikki lose weight or is she just dressing for her figure?
17. clothes are a good accessory for nikki.- mom
18. "the country of the alps"
19. um... now bout italy and austria and all the other countries "of the alps"?! what an idot!- dad
20. ew color co-ordinated nails to coat? lets add in boots and eye shadow and you'll be 1988!
21. oh my! this is the best helicopter view yet!
22. ben looks more excited by the mountains than the girl. 
23. that helicopter dive looks terrifying. 
24. i was hoping they'd go down!!- ali
25. oooh yeah! he's really taking the bull by the horns! what a hero- mom re: nikki feeling "safe" with ben. 
26. this is gorgeous. 
27. ben is one cut away from a stacked bob.- brit tueller zeedik. 
28. ben is bright orange. 
29. way to manipulate, nik! bring up the dead dad.
30. nice hunchback mic pac. 
31. so nikki does that confessional in a one shoulder sheer sweater and just seconds earlier, ben was in a giant sleeping bag parka & gloves. 
32. you missed the scream from the mountain top opportunity. 
33. and WHY ISN'T ANYONE SPINNING AND SPINNING AND SINGING "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE....."
34. this expisode should be called, "sex in switzerland!"- dad.
35. ooooh hell. another metaphor! cliff metaphor?! woof. 
36. that makes my butt tingle just to watch that panorama. 
37. wonder how long they had to stay there. 
38. wonder how cold they are- ali.
39. wonder if they have to urinate- mom.
40. i honestly think ben gets uglier and more boring. 
41. where did they find this guy?!- dad
42. i think nikki botoxed her mouth btwn home town and now... right?
43. these girls are so starry-eyed. 
44. "take it to the next level" is my LEAST favorite sentence of all time. 
45. as IF she wouldn't say yes...
46. um.. he sounded so non plussed by her agreeing to the sex suite. 
47. they get this huge place?
48. ew. nothing says STD-land like a sheepskin rug. 
49. that bed looks very unsexy. 
50. ooooh! put your clothes on! it'll make you look thinner- mom.
51. oooop back to dad talk! nikki is a manipulator! 
52. he just sits there and nods while these idiots babble and sell themselves. woof. 
53. i hate the button henley under the button down. 
54. woooah girl, it's just a jacuzzi. simmer down on that reaction. 
55. bummer bikini for back fat- not judging- anyone who has real boobs has it. 
56. who wants to be the girl who just says i love you and he only responds by kissing. that's so gross!- mom
57. woof. this whole thing is vimmy. 
58. oooh boy! a fear factor challenge! i'm sure we'll get a "falling" metaphor. 
59. oooh a jake pavelka move by kacie b?!
60. stupid ali is just trying desperately to get one more minute out of her 2 min of fame. go away. 
61. she has no clothes on and he's totally bundled. 
62. sweet nipple shot. 
63. i like the extra curl in that horribly colored hair. 
64. that looks like Provo canyon- dad. 
65. screw switzerland!- adam. 
66. she's smuggling tic tacs! - adam.
67. i need to go to interlaken. 
68. she now looks like a dead oompa loompa.
69. why does she have to do all the adventuring?
70. i want court to have to jump out of something and show her true colors. 
71. how does he have "no idea."
72. ben is shaking! what a wuss!- adam.
73. hey, bieber! nice hood!
74. marriage is JUST like repelling off of a cliff. 
75. um... this is not that scary....
76. im afraid of heights and this is just lowering yourself on a rope...big deal. 
77. i want ben to wet his pants and have it drip down the depths. 
78. ben, you're not "free falling."
79. "oh my gosh" & "oh my DAD" .... what is he saying?! 
80. op and there's the kiss. 
81. ben's idea of free falling is being lowered by a swiss man an inch a minute. - adam.
82. oh, you two!  you MADE IT!
83. i'm sorry, but the golden gate challenge was a million times scarier. 
84. that's a sexier jacuzzi. 
85. is she looking at his mouth ? and not his eyes?
86. he is as sexy as a sterile pediatrician. 
87. DEAR ABC, PLEASE, IN YOUR BACHELOR GROOMING, TEACH THE IGNORAMUS BACHELOR/ETTES THAT "LINDZI AND I'S" IS NOT OK . NOT OK.
88. is lindzi 3 months pregnant? 
89. she has a hot body... what is happening? beer belly?
90. a bow tie, huh? 
91. his hair does not go with formal wear. 
92. there are some seriously awkward flowers happening...
93. "hum"... good feigning interest. 
94. he never asks a question. just listens to them spout emotional jargon. 
95. "believe me, i've loved watching you open up.".........ew. 
96. every slut starts out with the sentence, "normally, i dont...... "
97. lindzi's dress is too small. doesn't fit her shoulders or hoo ha. 
98. why is she thanking him?  like he's paying for it?
99. yeah, girl. "put it all out there." 
100. woah! 
101. are we seeing cooter?
102. her feet look like a mannequin. 
103. i want courtney to show up in a swiss miss costume. 
104. we asked dad to pause it so i could go grab dessert:
105. i don't want to pause it looking at courtney!- dad.
106. i like that courtney does her own verbal recap - as if we didn't know her batshit crazy fake wedding with the stolen vows. 
107. oooh she's so demure and cold hiding in her sleeves!
108. apparently they have their very own solo train?
109. omg!i need to go there!
110. ben talking about "glaciers" and "peaks"
111. is that code for courtney's boobs?- adam
112. oooh court! that baby voice is soooo tender!
113. no one is around....
114. it must be the crack of dawn. 
115. really, court? this is what your life would be like? while ben is picking grapes in california?
116. the girl is knock kneed. 
117. one thing she does well: she always looks right at ben when he's speaking. - dad
118. please bless that harrison shows up in lederhosen and yodels "ladies, this is the final rose."
119. did she lose her pinky and thumb in a tragic accident?
120. all this "worry" about the other girls is a total decoy. 
121. well you should have thought about that when you were being such a biatch- dad. 
122. nothing sexier than a war bomb shelter filled with wine. 
123. these damage control confessionals aren't going to help... sorry, abc, we all still think she's delusional biatch. 
124. get your hands out of your hair!! so unsanitary!- mom.
125. she's an interrupting cow. 
126. it's all about YOU, ben. how can every woman in your life support YOU. 
127. ugh. this guy is unbearable. 
128. you want "normal?" i dunno... ben is ABNORMALLY boring. soo....
129. "stay as a couple" .. so we can interloken.- nicole.
130. "so we can have uninterrupted"..... SEX?  or everything works too..... 
131. she thinks this place is a dump. 
132. ooh bearskin?! STD-town. 
133. he is SO hard to look at. 
134. especially when he's happy. 
135. courtney has this in a lock. 
136. she's holding him like he's the girl. 
137. i love the posing over his shoulder. 
138. oooh good! on to emily! 
139. nice house, girl. 
140. that ricki is so much older. 
141. what's happening in that armoire with all those caged stuffed animals. 
142. she's had a lot of work done on that mouth. 
143. i love her, though. 
144. woof. two of the most annoying bachelorettes in history. 
145. love the gold glitter mini. 
146. there is at least a pound of makeup on each of them. 
147. these makeup artists are gorgeous. 
148. they are dressed to go do the club in the middle of the day!
149. by themselves..... 
150. vomit. i don't want to hear about your love with jp. 
151. lotta plaids happening there, ben. 
152. kacie looks adorable. 
153. i'd totally fly back to get a vacation and tell him about that evil cow. 
154. did he drop the f-bomb?
155. oh, poor girl. 
156. she looks a little under slept. 
157. wouldn't it be great if he just said, "why are you here?!"
158. no. she did not fly back just for a post-mordem. 
159. oop. there it is... the families. 
160. double rejection! why do girls do this?!
161. oooh she knows it was about the moving in together. 
162. still doesn't change his mind. 
163. keep it moving!
164. falap ball change, pivot turn walk. walk. walk. walk.
165. and here comes the court.
166. it's going to look like she's doing this just because she's rejected. 
167. he's not sincerely asking for more. 
168. that's not her biggest zinger, there's more dirt there... throw the other quotes out, kacie!
169. he's not buying it. 
170. ben is still in sex glow from the night before. 
171. but courtney's a model!-dad.
172. he can't even be nice to her. 
173. why is he being such a db?!
174. oooh full lay out on the floor!
175. that's not sanitary- adam. 
176. maybe her pants are too tight- mom
177. maybe she has gas. 
178. how funny would it be if courtney steps over her body on the floor with an ice bucket and says "winning?!" - ali.
179. he is such a low character person! why couldn't he have thanked her for her concern and acted like a gentleman!- dad.
180. he's not re-thinking anything- nicole
181. he's re-thinking his raging case of gonorrhea- adam. 
182. i'd like to point out that adam called out that kacie b is wearing joe's jeans. 
183. we've trained him ;)
184. i'm more excited for "women tell all" and "after the final rose" than any other episode. 
185. nikki is going home. for sure. 
186. i love that he has to brief harrison as though he doesn't know what's happening. 
187. chris is doing "reflective listening."- mom (the social worker)
188. "i have this... i have this..."
189. i have a burning sensation in my crotch!- adam. 
190. he got his outfit at savers (salvation army)- dad. 
191. it's his scholastic swiss look. 
192. a kacie rose ceremony twist?
193. rejection #3- nicole. 
194. i like that ben is going for a marlo thomas hair flip. 
195. harrison is trying to keep his eyes open- nicole. 
196. totally listening bishopric style. 
197. "where's your head?"
198. between courtney's pillows- ali
199. well... one is on top of my shoulders and the other has medical ointment applied to it. -adam.
200. oh, my! we're on a roll tonight, kids!
201. oooh nikki. terribly unflattering color and cut on that dress!
202. court is in her "kiss of the spiderwoman" costume. 
203. lindzi's dress is from dillards 2001, you know it. 
204. courtney's a model! - dad. 
205. ooooh! there's plaid on his jacket as well! 3 competitive plaids! 
206. adam calls lindzi gets the first rose. 
207. well done, adam!!!
208. who ever goes home is the worst in bed!!!- adam.
209. sex tie breaker- nicole. 
210. you know all three gave it up. 
211. bye nikki. 
212. the tolling bells are so dramatical. 
213. yeah... shock to no one. 
214. maybe she can sit next to kacie b on the way home. 
215. that dress is truly tragic. 
216. what if one of the girls got prego from the fantasy suite and revealed it on after the final rose....
217. that'd be good tv. 
218. her hair looks better than it's ever looked. 
219. how does that car have a california plate? 
220. did they go back to ca?
221. now the plate is euro...
222. guess they used stock before. 
223. nice catch, dad. 
224. you've never been in love with someone who didn't love you back? 
225. well, welcome to the club, girl. 
226. my parents are thrilled. they love zermatt. 
227. they are TOTALLY setting kacie b up to be the bachelorette. 
228. i wish courtney and lindzi had to be at the "women tell all."