and while i''ll write each of them a response, some of the thoughts i'm having may apply to more than just my brave gals who reached out.
so to those of you who may find comfort in someone knowing your pain, here's what i've been thinking....
i think i'm writing this because i may need to reference this in another 15 minutes.
anxiety comes at the strangest times and derails me from what i know to be true.
i rarely (if ever) write about what/who/how my future husband (even that word seems so intense) will be. if anyone knew my former boyfriends, they'd realize that my mercurial gemini nature also applies to my preference in men.
but i have loved and been loved by some pretty remarkable men.
i have felt certain and sure about one and when that relationship ended (due to circumstances bigger than him or me), i couldn't understand the cruelty. i felt destined never to be happy or settled or sure again.
if it was "right," why isn't it always "right?' and why can't it be...
i struggled with that in my prayers for months. it was devastating.
i mourned for months (some of you were fed up with my moping and expressed it in your comments... sorry... i had to go thru that) and then i happily poured myself into another relationship which just ended shy of a year. i worked hard and loved hard in that relationship but it takes two, doesn't it. another devastation.
breakups are hard. circumstantial depression runs deep and the pain can be overwhelming.
as the oldest of 5 girls, i've seen a lot of breakups in my family alone... and with my friends, i've become an expert in breakup advice. some of the relationships that have ended are clearly for the best- but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.
in those cases, i've found that the absence of hope is really what you're mourning- not necessarily the man. when hope is lost, the world feels bleak and despair overwhelms.
i recently had a doctor (totally inappropriate) ask,
"so have you given any thought to maybe giving this [i'm assuming my career?]
all up for something more meaningful?"
after stifling the urge to slap her and scream out, "NO, I'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT! THANKS FOR THAT LIGHTBULB! ALL THIS TIME, I'VE BEEN PUSHING AMAZING RELATIONSHIPS AWAY IN ORDER TO PRANCE AROUND ON STAGE! YOU CHANGED MY WORLD!!!" i simply said, "i haven't been in the right relationship for marriage and children to be a possibility yet."
to be clear, i've never been on a "husband hunt." to me, success is not in HAVING a husband. rather, success is loving and caring and sharing with a partner who reciprocates.
it's funny, in nyc, people are more interested in what you DO and who you ARE.
what i'm finding in utah, is that people are more interested in whether or not i'm married or have children. all good things- and aspets of life that i desire- but not the benchmark for happiness and certainly not the benchmark for success.
remember, just because someone has a career, it does not mean they do not wish for a family.
but in the meantime, i refuse to feel like my life is less meaningful because i'm not currently coupled.
i keep re-reading elder hale's october conference talk, "waiting upon the Lord: Thy will be done."
it's his finest.
i could do a whole 5 posts dissecting it.
what struck me the most :
"In the scriptures, the word wait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust."
"waiting upon the Lord means to "stand fast" and "press forward" in faith, "having a perfect brightness of hope."
because he's coming.
he's worth the wait and he's lucky to have you.
image found here