Sunday, April 15, 2012
there are patches of this city that will never belong to me again.
a circle of 10 blocks here or there that will never be mine.
it belongs to a former love... or two. two men currently hold this city hostage.
i want it back desperately.
i still have a well of sadness inside of me that erupts whenever i'm in certain areas ..
where he lives..
where we ate...
where we laughed...
where we were "we. "
and years later...
it's still there.
that pit in the stomach and squeeze of the heart.
just being in that vicinity.
i felt it today.
i met a new man in a new place which was in the danger zone.
i thought this would be good- to be in that area with someone new.
new memories, new friend,
you know... a veritable war with my heart...
taking back the regime!
but the second i turned onto this block, that familiar stomach squeeze-heart race started again.
my eyes started darting for him. he could be just around the corner. he could walk in at any time.
i wanted him to.
but what if he walked in?
would i crumble in front of this new person?
it sent me into such a panic and near tear-splosion that i had to excuse myself early for fear of revealing myself.
another failed attempt.
when i worked in the temple, the sweet women (who were usually in their late 60's-70's) told me that even after years of happy marriage, they still think about that "one who got away."
i think they thought that would comfort me.
it only made me panic.
you mean, i have to LIVE with this infection for the rest of my life?
you mean, i'll have to marry someone else while always wondering what could have been?
you mean, i'll never get my city back?
that sounds like a private hell to me.
i want to build an army of happy so strong that i can storm these neighborhood gates and never again walk down these streets remembering how we kissed on that corner, or walked stella to that park, or bought cheese in that shop, or got an egg sandwich in that deli.
little things, you know.
the littlest things still haunt me.
i'm told i should make peace with that.
that it will always be there. always gnawing at me.
i thought i had...we'll be roomates? grief and me? woof. no thanks.
but if i let go of this sadness, will a large part (maybe the best parts - the part that loves unconditionally) of me go with it?
tonight, after that sweet anxiety attack, i'm ok with that.
i'd like to live with less feelings.
doesn't it go away?
the people who say time heals everything are liars. straight up.
i just want my city back.