years ago, i dated a man who, on paper, seemed completely perfect for me.
everything aligned.
i was hesitant to invest in the relationship because i was still very broken hearted over "mister," but he pursued heavily and decided to open my heart to him.
we'd known each other for a long time and our dating was really a flash. not many people knew about it. he told me one night that he loved me and talked incessantly about a future, marriage, children, everything...
i wasn't ready for the L-word so i think i gave him a "thank you, i'm getting there."
as our relationship progressed, a few things didn't add up.
he was strange physically.
in public, he was ALL OVER ME, but in private he was cold and distant.
then he started picking me apart;
criticizing my wardrobe (he was impeccably tailored and only wore designer)
then criticizing my spiritual life.
mind you, i was an active temple ordinance worker in the NY temple and teaching Relief Society. not that callings are a barometer of your spiritual depth, but i wasn't exactly slacking in the church arena and my spirit felt connected and in tune.
he was subtle and manipulative.
now, i'm not generally a girl with a huge self-esteem problem but
i found myself feeling inadequate and "not enough."
isn't it horrible that we go there?
i wasn't beautiful/skinny/sexy/smart/polished/interesting/fun/spiritual
....yaddayaddayadda...
i do it. i still do.
but most importantly, his criticism of my spirit really cut me. in any normal circumstance, perhaps, i'd have just told him to shove it, but my little heart was so bruised and open and teachable and forgiving. i beat myself up over it and i overlooked that bright red flag.
suddenly and quite out of the blue, he broke up with me.
he said he was in love with me one day and the next day he "was like 'eh...'"
ouch.
i think it hurt so desperately because it was unexpected and the balance in the relationship was so off that i felt beyond rejected and definitely not "enough."
the disappointment lasted a few wks.. it was only a flesh wound compared to the gaping holes of heartache i've gone thru, but it was enough to rattle my mojo in a serious way.
it was recently confirmed to me that he is gay.
i don't know if he's "out" but has been in a relationship with a man for years.
i imagine he evaluated me and realized that that kind of dynamic is not what i'm interested in and cut me loose.
what a blessing.
i had guessed at it (my gaydar is pretty keen these days) but i also didn't want to be one of those girls who thinks anyone who doesn't pursue them is gay. hello, ego.
i've dated a few men in my time.. and a few addicts (of various vices).
projecting their insecurities and flaws is one of their greatest talents.
it is easy to spot your weaknesses in others and be harder on them than on yourself.
i once had a bf who was basically lying about everything in our relationship and his guilt led him to accuse me of cheating on him (um.. no) on a regular basis. likewise, another man who didn't feel like he was living up to his spiritual potential, criticized my testimony and spiritual depth.
all of those things are unfair and hard to detect when you care about someone.
confirmation of this man's sexual orientation didn't bring relief to me, it simply made me
sick that i beat myself up for one second over his list of my shortcomings.
really the ONLY thing wrong with me is that i am not, in fact, a man.
nothing i can do about that.
now the point of this story is not to illustrate that he's gay (i'm in theatre, i've dated a few gay men in my time)... (what a heartbreaking struggle- though that is no excuse to emotionally manipulate another person) it's that so often, people (women included) project their insecurities/fears onto their partners and in this case (which was a blessing compared to other relationships) it was CLEARLY not about me.
but how do we fix this?
how do you remain open and teachable but hold onto your dignity and feel "enough" when someone rejects you?
thoughts?
image unknown... some greeting card i found in soho. sorry.
20 comments:
I think every girl would be lying if she said she had never experienced what you described in your post. I have definitely been there myself. I think men like that are sneaky. They hide those real thoughts at first and unleash them at the worst times. Why we believe them, I have no idea. We are women and deep down all women want to be loved.
Count yourself lucky you didn't end up marrying him!
PS-I just love this blog!
I think it's important to date someone for a while -- long enough to see if there are red flags (and deal with them) and long enough to know that you want to spend the rest of your life with them.
"but how do we fix this.
how do you remain open and teachable but hold onto your dignity and feel "enough" when someone rejects you?"
I've been there, and as a never-married at 38 years old, I've been there a lot.
I've only recently found my answer to your question.
This may sound convoluted. Bear with me.
When I don't feel "enough," or feel like yesterday's real estate section, I remind myself of the first date or the first kiss, when I was amazed that I was enough for someone so wonderful.
I don't allow myself to dwell on the negative with my exes. I remind myself why I thought they were great in the first place. And remind myself that I was good enough, that he did pursue me, that he did like me.
But just like I've walked away from some good men, they have the option to walk away from me.
I think we hurt ourselves even more when we start thinking of them as a horrible person and wondering why we weren't good enough for someone so low.
Forgive him his weaknesses. Find sympathy for his struggles.
Find the silver lining- a gay man thought you were hot enough to try to switch sides for!
There's gotta be some humor and a smile in there for that thought, right?
The more we think poorly of our past men, the more we hurt ourselves. My friends may trash my exes, but you'll never hear me say a cross word about them. Yes, some broke my heart in irreparable ways. But I still remember what I thought was great about him. And I'm smart enough to not let him do it again.
Anyone who has had their heart broken before would never wish for the same to happen to even their worst enemy. I am sorry that such an unfortunate situation left you doubting your own self worth...no one deserves that.
However, I feel like there should be some more sympathy for the gentleman in question. He was clearly struggling with his OWN feelings of inadequacy, trying to figure out how to live with his same sex attraction as well as his spiritual beliefs, which I would assume were somewhat strong since he had made it thus far striving to live the gospel...someone without a testimony would have given up long before. My heart breaks for those who have to struggle with such an awful burden.
You mentioned that he isn't actually "out" yet. So you're taking it upon yourself to out him? Most of the people close to you at that time will know who he is. Additionally, you alluded to his awareness of your blog, which means that there is a strong chance that he will see the words you've written as well. It all just seems a little cruel and insensitive. He wasn't rejecting you, he was rejecting himself and his efforts to live a heterosexual lifestyle.
I think it's great that you want to expose the blogosphere to your personal stories, struggles, and insecurities. I am sure that the whole process of writing it all down and getting support from readers is quite therapeutic. However, no matter what someone has or hasn't done to you, it doesn't justify berating them on a public forum. You're a wonderful, talented woman with a lot to share. Please keep your posts more positive...working on yourself is admirable, but discussing the shortcomings of others isn't necessary.
@mim fan,
thanks for your thoughts.
i don't believe my point was anything to do with him and with as many men as i've dated (and as short as this was relatively), no one would know who this is... except perhaps him. and i don't mind that he knows that i know.
maybe it'll free him a bit.
this was so long ago that i really don't see this as being cruel in any way. it had everything to do with my reaction him.
hope you can understand that.
@erin mcbride. nailing it! awesome!
Wow MIM fan. I'm sure you have it all together. Re read the post and learn a lesson. I am a friend of Natalie's and EVERYTIME we go out she is greeted by blog fans telling her how much her candidness has helped them. I'm not single. I married young and this post spoke to me. Thank you Natalie for being the most beautiful person I know.
The neat thing about spirituality is the fact that it's a private relationship between you and the Savior. It's not subject to inspection by others and, quite frankly, the opinions of another regarding someone else's spirituality are irrelevant. All that matters is that you define your spirituality on terms you're comfortable with, that you're honest with the Savior (and yourself) on the nature of the relationship, and that you strive to cultivate it.
Natalie, I admire you for your transparency and outspokenness - for taking to the keyboard and airing your feelings, both the confident and insecure ones. You remind me of Abraham's vision when he references seeing the great and noble spirits. You live your religion on your own terms, you define what it means to be a noble daughter of God in a way that makes sense to you, and you simply go forth and make it reality. You touch so many with your gifts - not just of song or dance - but also your example of living self-confidently and then chronicling it for comedic and heartstring value.
Any relationship where someone seeks to tear you down more than lift you up isn't in harmony with who you are (remember - great and noble) and how you are valued in your father's (and your Father's) eyes. Your spirituality will aid you in discerning those that will be a benefit and blessing from those that will deter or detract from your righteous desires - both in the friendships you seek and relationship you pursue.
You and I have spoken around this topic so you know I'm not immune to the second-guessing and doubts you describe. It's good in those moments to allow yourself a pat on the back and a helping hand from someone who sees you better than you might be able to see yourself in a particularly low moment. That's what friends are for, after all.
In the end, you date with a purpose. Not everyone will be a match - that's why you date. But I refuse to believe that true love and real companionship is no longer possible - that there isn't a woman out there who will lift me up and inspire and strengthen my spirituality along with my humanity. I'm going to be a very lucky guy - and she an exceptionally patient woman. : )
So take a long hard look at yourself, remind yourself of how awesome you are and how amazing your relationship with your Savior truly is - and don't allow anyone (aside from Him) to suggest you should be more spiritual. You are great and noble - you are so richly blessed with talents - and you are your Father's daughter..
Natalie! The last two weeks at church I keep hearing this message of Don't allow fear to get in the way of Faith! I think we so allow our fear to get in the way of way we know to be true. I was once single and had I heard this message years ago, I would hope that it would have helped me to be more confident. We all want to be loved and I think we sometimes or at least I did when dating was settle for less than I deserved because I was afraid to trust in th Lord. I so desperately wanted to be in a relationship. Thankfully, the Lord new better and I ended up getting married to the right person. You are amazing! Heavenly Father Love YOu and you deserve the Best! You are lovely!
This is a really great post and I think it sheds so much light on how women need to be confident and love themselves, because their are situations everyday where we have the chance to be torn down. Sometimes we will be weak and sometimes we will be strong. I wish more women understood that it is okay to be strong and love themselves. I'm sure a million people will give you advice and tell you what you should do, but the only person that knows what is right for you... is you. Thanks for being honest. This must have been difficult
I'm the same age as your sister Kara (went to high school with her) and even though I'm married with a baby, my husband and I have to work everyday to remember not to tear each other down. I think it's just part of our growing process... learning to love each other with our faults and learning to not take offense when others say hurtful things. It's hard. WAY hard!
Being vulnerable is so scary, and hard to do. And when I get tromped on, well it makes me want to batten down the hatches and not let anyone in ever again. Yet, I know this isn't what will make me happy.
We are all so flawed and imperfect. We hurt each other intentionally, but more often unintentionally. We hurt and are hurting ourselves. It's hard and it can suck big time. But we can choose. We can choose who and what we listen to and believe. We choose who and what we let in as well.
Being vulnerable means that we choose to let people in and that's risky because we will get hurt by people we care about. It also means that we will have and make great joy in our life because of the people we care about.
Being vulnerable means that we are honest about who we are and what we want, and acting in supportive and appreciative ways. Sometimes we get it right and other times not so much.
I don't necessarily have any great answers, but a deep relationship with God and an understanding of who I am in relation to him is so important. Understanding the role and allowing Christ's atonement in my life is another key for me.
I know that as I develop my understanding of strengths and weaknesses, practice empathy with myself and others and keep my life centered on God and Christ, that I will have the hope and faith I need to keep moving forward.
Brene Brown's talk on The Power of Vulnerability is good--http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
Her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, was extremely insightful as well, especially as you apply your understanding of the atonement.
I get what you're saying. After years and years of evidence to support my worth as an individual, I still battle with this issue. Having said that, one thing I know for SURE, is that being open to love, and vulnerable, is necessary for any great relationship. The tricky part, is understanding that no external validation of your good qualities (i.e. relationship success), will ever fix the underlying issue. After 18 years of marriage to an awesome man (who cries when he sees me get down on myself, and begs me to believe I am SO good), I have finally decided to look on it this way. D &C 46:14 "to others it is given to BELIEVE on their words..." I have decided that if I can't yet believe in something entirely myself, I will trust, and believe that it is true. And slowly, line upon line, year after year, I am making great progress. It is slow. It is not one of my spiritual gifts. I wish it were. I hope that one day, I will have the kind of confidence that can handle whatever "rejection" the world throws at me, even if it is often self projected. But IF NOT, I am going to believe it, because people I love and trust do. And that is enough for now.
Honestly? I don't know. I was a picky dater, I never wanted to get married, and I never wanted to get a divorce. I finally found a guy who, on paper, looked great. We dated for a year and were engaged for almost as long and he was sweet and affectionate and helpful and good to me. It felt right and against my natural inclinations of wanting to stay single forever, I married him.
One month after we got married everything changed. He became distant, rude, mean spirited, and tore apart everything I enjoyed and torn apart every aspect of my personality. I was completely blindsided but tried to make the best of it.
Then he went through a major bout of depression and I thought we had found the source of the behavior. I dragged him to see his doctor and a psychologist and made him take his meds and go to counseling. Things improved for a while and then the bad behavior started again. He accused me of everything under the sun...then I found out that he was looking at porn and chatting with mail order brides on the internet.
I finally go angry and forced him to go to the bishop with me. I tried to get him to go to couples counseling and he refused. I tried to get him to go to the temple with me and he refused. I was always the partner with less religious zeal so it was weird for me to suddenly become the more spiritual of the two.
The next 4 years were a yo-yo of hearing from him "I love you" "I hate you" "I don't deserve you" and "You are such a slob what did I don't know what I did to deserve you". During our time together he went through 11 surgeries, a medical discharge from the USMC, job loss, getting a degree, and him regularly saying "I think I'd be better off if I weren't married to you" (I worked 3 jobs and sold my truck and my motorcycle to help pay for his school).
But through it all I stuck it out. I kept telling myself "It will get better when we have less stress/more money/more free time/a kid/he's in his career/I'm working less/he learns to be happy/etc." I was willing to walk through hell and back for him, what I didn't realize is that he was putting me through hell but I was so beat down emotionally and mentally that I couldn't see it. Finally, last March he walked into the kitchen while I was making him dinner and told me he was done, he never loved me, I was a dissapointment, and he needed a divorce.
And I woke up. I saw everything for what it was and realized that nothing I could say or do would change our situation or change him. I pushed the divorce through as quickly as possible and got out. Recovery has sucked, learning to forgive has been hard, but I no longer make my self sick trying to cure the incurable, trying to make the miserable happy, and then blaming myself when nothing changed.
I think women (especially LDS women) have something in us that makes us want to nuture and please, no matter what the cost. We have a loyalty streak that we often feel we can't break.
One thing I've noticed is that now people are telling me "Oh I noticed it when you were dating him and you weren't around, he'd do 'xyz' or say 'abc', and I thought it seemed weird but I didn't want to say anything". I think we need to say something when we notice these things. We can't keep silent and think "well as long as she/he's happy". Honest and open communication helps. But it isn't the miracle cure all we sometimes think it is.
All we can do is learn from our mistakes and from everyone else's mistakes (you can't possibly make all of them yourself), and try to move forward with more awareness and forgiveness and hope.
Sorry that was so rambling, but it is hard to be concise in matters of the heart.
Hi MIM!
I was recently on a humanitarian trip to South America with a group led by a former mission president. In our little Sunday meeting, he spoke about the atonement, and how beyond cleansing us from sin and accounting for our pain, it's there to help us become something that we may not be yet, but that The Lord wants us to be. I'd never heard that before, and a lightbulb went off!
I've been in a similar circumstance, where I've felt so rejected, unforgiving and and not worth much. I didn't feel like I had enough in me to move past it... and I probably didn't. But as I've come to rely more and more on the atonement, I know that I'm being made into the person that Heavenly Father knows I can be. It's definitely a process, but I've been blessed with qualities and faculties that I simply didn't have before. The atonement is real and it's infinite. It can help you with whatever you apply it to.
p.s. @ErinMcbride, you're a rockstar! That is such a breakthrough thought for me! Thank you!
This very recently happened to me. After dating a childhood friend for five months, he very suddenly stopped talking to me. Like, in the middle of a text message conversation. I gave him space, but quickly realized that this was his way of ending things with somebody that he has known for 15+ years.
Ok, so. Fine. I guess.
But I wasn't fine and I'm not fine. It hurts and although I don't cry over him and I wasn't in love with him, I was made to feel like we were progressing into a certain direction and that obviously is no longer happening.
This all went down a little over 3 weeks ago. While I get over that hurt, I am focusing my attention on priorities: grad school, my Graduate Assistantship, my job, running, and even casually dating. I have too many good things happening in my life right now than to focus on somebody that either got scared or cheated on me or simply changed his mind.
I am spiritual, but do not go to church every Sunday. I do believe that God has somebody special for me and that he will come along when the time is right.
I am also a big fan of exercise. It allows me to reduce stress, feel healthy inside, have a clear mind, and look good on the outside.
I have been the recipient of projecting my entire life. Unfortunately, that person in my brother. He has characterized me to be all the negative things that he is. Luckily, I have a fabulous husband, two terrific daughters, and wonderful friends. They remind me all the time that I am a good person, not by telling me, but by simply just loving me.
i taught in RS the first January, and I based it on a Mormon Message i'd seen: Look Not Behind Thee. this is my new motto for the year - don't look back, keep moving forward. what's done is done, can't be undone. you gotta live, learn and move on! ( I also used this article for me lesson: The Best is Yet to Be by Elder Holland ).
Hope these words bring you something to look forward to.
It's hard to not let others drag you down, and I think it's even harder to feel your worth when we just want so desperately to be loved, unconditionally.
I love your blog, thank you for sharing your heart here with the world.
I married a gay man. He doesn't admit to me he is gay but his first, second (me) and third wives know. Of course I didn't know until I lost my virginity to him, married him and had our child. But then it was all very clear after 6 years of marriage and the same box of condoms we bought our second year together still had several left. Please don't feel bad. I laugh at that part too. I would always cry to him and beg him to tell me what I could do to make him love me. He would always say I just changed too much after marriage when in reality HE was the one who changed. I think he thought he could fake it again but became cold and emotionally unavailable after he realized he couldn't) I was so young and stupid and thought if I read enough books by Dr Laura about how to be a good wife, he'd really love me and want me physically. I tried countless things to appeal to him. And then one day after we had been divorced I had a conversation with his third wife and I realized it wasn't me. He had done the very same thing to her as well! After our conversation I thought back to my marriage with this man and I realized there was absolutely nothing I could have done to turn him on or make him love me. That was a great feeling. I knew I had done all I could do in my marriage. And strangely enough I left that marriage not entirely screwed up. I'm sure some women would have low self esteem after being physically denied for six years. But I think (now after being better connected spiritually), God did me a favor and didn't allow me to feel that way. I'm greatful for that. After all that I'm grateful for my practice marriage. It's helped me immensely with my husband now. Now I work on myself in a healthy way without trying to reach someone's unachievable expectations of me. And I don't bother with the Dr Laura books anymore.... PS, be aware. My ex is out there looking for his 4th victim (wife).....
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