{ the bachelor- juan pablo } fake snow and drunk brazilians.

for those of you new to this drivel... we do a stream of thought random quote fest... i understand that these people are real feeling human beings, but i also assume that they're being a little larger than life for tv... so we treat them like characters.... no offense intended....
my guest commenters are my lovely laura happy hall and her boyfriend sam who is awesome.

ok, you guys... i saw a really long interview with JP and i was so impressed with him. the kid doesn't drink and he's sort of HILARIOUS and smart and funny.... i was totally surprised.
jp for the win.

three, two, JUAN!!! (laura)

  1. ok, i can't really figure out who that middle chick is without her tacky ballgown. 
  2. this first date chick has total botox forehead. 
  3. please tell me that damn dog isn't still around. 
  4. there's the poor dog. 
  5. free spirit's hoo ha is eating those shorts. 
  6. smell him? 
  7. you're brainless. 
  8. that "ok" seemed a little strained .
  9. i hope she didn't ruin her shoes. 
  10. did you see that white sheet. 
  11. hair=ruined. 
  12. nice. they brought boots. 
  13. those are the saddest squattiest snowman. 
  14. she strikes me as a girl who practices her faces in the mirror. 
  15. seriously? free spirit is topless?
  16. OMG! none of them have real noses, do they? (laura)
  17. this snow set is so weird. 
  18. could any of the girls have correct grammar? is that too much to ask?!
  19. i like when they get all demanding. i NEEED my  name on a date card. really? like none of the other women do?
  20. claire feels like a drama girl. overly emotive. 
  21. massage AND hot tub. giddy up!
  22. he's not listening.- laura
  23. she looks a little bit like TRISTA.- laura
  24. i love my family, and bronzer, and shading, and blush. and botox. 
  25. and foam cups in my bikini. 
  26. she threw out the 'my dad was...' hoping that jp would pick up on the fact that he passed.... and he DOESN'T SPEAK THIS LANGUAGE!
  27. he always looks a little drunk skunk but he doesn't drink so that cracks me up. 
  28. my dad didn't treat me like a "princess" .. he treated me like a "human being." thank GOODNESS!  hell, these expectations!
  29. i want to know at what point they pull them out for these interviews. 
  30. OH MY GOODNESS that is quilt batting (on the edge of the hot tub).- laura
  31. she doesn't even talk without soundbites.-laura
  32. i want so much to like her but she just strikes me as so insincere and waaaay too into this. 
  33. ooop. snow machine ON. 
  34. all i can think is this is ruining his guitar. 
  35. where is this dude from? idol? x factor? 
  36. she is just too much. 
  37. kat has a lazy tongue. that stresses me out. 
  38. she looks like jenny jordan frogley. 
  39. they are BALLSY with these short shorts and high def cellulite. - laura
  40. why does he have pink lipstick on?
  41. i kind of love him. 
  42. when have i ever said that about a bachelor?
  43. did he just pet her?
  44. calm down! you're not going to nyc- laura
  45. your outfit is NOTHING. 
  46. ok, guys . this is thanksgiving point in utah. 
  47. my friends are connected to this race. 
  48. wait, you're telling me this race comes from a culture that doesn't embrace drug use. laura
  49. no, not slc.... this is lehi. 
  50. "me and for kat" it doesn't bother me because he is a foreigner. 
  51. so at what point did MAC get to her smokey eye? 
  52. are you telling me that nobody took E and then ran this race?- la
  53. this looks NUTS!
  54. thanks MAC for giving me pink eye. 
  55. he is so cute. 
  56. i love that he's salsa dancing to techno. 
  57. these little utah girls are EATING THIS UP!
  58. close your mouth with that dance face, sister. 
  59. dog lover and that lazy eye give me the weebs. 
  60. oh my gosh i'm loving free spirit. she is too much. 
  61. ew. is lauren panting with her mouth open?
  62. what? why a blue beard?!
  63. what does that grow out look like?
  64. this gives the dog lover an unfair professional advantage. - laura
  65. who would ever let the free spirit borrow her shoes?- laura
  66. dress up in ... bikinis!
  67. SPONSORED bikinis- laura
  68. former NBA dancer at age 21. - laura
  69. no no no no... that body paint is just not ok. 
  70. she looks like an alien. 
  71. ew. stop kissing the dog. 
  72. elise is SO PA. 
  73. that's not funny. naked?
  74. not cool. 
  75. just say no. 
  76. put your foot down, andi!
  77. don't do it!
  78.  don't they realize that they can refuse?
  79. good girl! she SHOULD be a good example. 
  80. he is horrible. what a sham art director. 
  81. perfect scheme music- laura. 
  82. elise is brilliant. 
  83. and fully naked! oi love this girl. 
  84. it's splotchy body paing. 
  85. they painted her a penis!!! - laura
  86. woah. dog lover had a mouth!
  87. is there a way to wear a leger dress without looking desperate?
  88. love how airbrushed this is. 
  89. no "at the end of the day" excuses andi. 
  90. she has a law career ! let her keep her clothes on! - laura
  91. i want him to come up to her and say, "try these drugs. it's ok. we're doing it for the dogs."- laura
  92. oh this is so uncomfortable. 
  93. he just did a sneaky check out. 
  94. i cannot take the alien seriously. 
  95. nothing about this is "incredible."
  96. sorry. 
  97. this didn't do ANYTHING for the animals. 
  99. i feel like i've made a decision i now regret just by watching that. i feel dark inside. -laura
  100. cute shirt on free spirit. 
  101. except she needs pants. she's always missing something. -laura
  102. orchid IS the hot color of the season, but i don't want to see it on jp.
  103. cassandra looks liek a crazy ballerina who just wants to eat a burger.- laura
  104. those are OPERA lashes, cassandra. i didn't even wear them onstage. 
  105. pumpkin, you need a gloss or something on those lips.- laura (re: girl who iddn't exactly kiss him)
  106. nice of nikki to tell her to tone it. 
  107. victoria is BLITZD
  108. quote of the year: "i'm not a dog. i'm just a bitch!"
  109. i like nikki. 
  110. victoria looks like maya. 
  111. HYMEN maneuver?! amazing. 
  112. that is SOOO good. 
  113. kelly looks like a WHO.
  114. he reeeeally dislikes drunk girls. 
  115. suck it in victoria. 
  116. where is she in relation to them?
  117. can we have subtitles on victoria?
  118. intern scatter!!
  119. oh mommy knows how to do this. - laura
  120. that's sweet of her. 
  121. what a mess. 
  122. that water looks murky. 
  123. also, let this be a lesson to all of us. blue nails= not cute. 
  124. i love when they walk into places they weren't expecting to film. - laura
  125. that poor producer. 
  126. the best part of this is that NOTHING sparked this. 
  127. back to the bathroom. 
  128. poor guy. i'd die laughing if i were him. 
  129. i would get such giggles. 
  130. he's being super fair and gentle with her. 
  131. everyone jumps in! Yeah! we feel badly for her! - laura
  132. if naked girl doesn't get the rose....
  133. wait, what?! body paint? 
  134. drunk eyes. 
  135. he was darling about crazy victoria. 
  136. woof, andi. use your straps. 
  137. swing low!
  138. still in the same kini... then next day. woof. 
  139. nice of them to give victoria some foundation. 
  140. oooh right. she's brazilian. 
  141. send her home!
  142. when i'm mad i'm really really mad and when i'm happy.... holy cow. 
  143. RUN! 
  144. that's marriage material right there!- sam
  145. you SHOULD be mortified. 
  146. i hope they get new couches after every season. it grosses me out to see all that skin on those couches. 
  147. he has to have zero tolerance. he doesn't drink. 
  148. good man, charlie brown. 
  149. you guys, i've never said this about any of the bachelors..... but i'd totally date juan pablo. 
  150. oye!! juan pablo has an endorsement!!
  151. i live for free spirit!
  152. who is that chick in bronze with the flat ironed hair. 
  153. this amy looks like my cousin's new wife. 
  154. calm down, amy. 
  155. she's DYING for a national market. 
  156. woof. 
  157. i hate this. 
  158. poor jp just wants this faux interview to end. 
  159. you thought that was a great idea?! you stand behind that?! -laura
  160. i'd love to encourage opera singer to wear a bra and not those earrings. 
  161. she is so disingenuous. she fully interviewed that she wasn't feeling him. why is she changing this story?
  162. i am not feeling her. 
  163. hi boob shaded cassandra!
  164. she's beautiful but laura doesn't find her attractive. 
  165. soooo. her child is mixed... she's a FORMER NBA dancer.... you do the math? 
  166. why is the mom always cleaning up the messes? cause she's always cleaning up the messes. - laura
  167. single mom feels like a mix of sheryl crow and the house mom on "facts of life.'
  168. renee.. .hats off to you!
  169. he is an upstanding guy. 
  170. does he have a fatal flaw? why isn't this guy sucked up? - laura.
  171. he's the most sensitive and normal dude we've ever seen. 
  172. so why is he on the bachelor?!
  173. pearls don't really work for the free spirit. 
  174. who is that bronze dress girl?
  175. who decided that one leaf on the rose looks good?- laura
  176. i like the first grade teacher but this look was MISGUIDED. very miranda lambert. 
  177. i love renee.
  178. WHO IS DANIELLE?! (oscar statuette)
  179. lucy? for real? yes!
  180. that neckline and those pearls?! you know those are all the other girls clothes. 
  181. she' second hand rose. 
  182. allison is cute. 
  183. lauren? really? piano girl. in a very casual sundress. 
  184. newscaster wont stop biting her lip. 
  185. laura just yelled "RACIST" at the tv. i'm rolling.
  186. ooh wait! what happened! why didn't harrison announce final rose!
  187. hope the newscaster got enough for her reel. 
  188. newscaster voice is the biggest turn off.
  189. chantel looks gorgeous tonight. 
  190. that dog is ashamed. 
  191. stella would not handle that. she'd be out. 
  192. or she'd bite me. 
i'm dying for these previews. 


Kristin said...

The squatty snowmen were built by him and his daughter. On Sunday they had a behind the scenes episode. And may I add your commentary is spot on as always. When he pet the girl's head when the were in the jet I thought, 'Natalie will definitely be pointing that out', and you did! I look forward to your Bachelor posts almost as much as I do the show.

Mike and Brindi said...

The bronze dress girl normally has the fro.... I believe?!

Carrie Lynn said...

I usually agree with every bullet point on these but Bachelor Juan seems so shady to me! I would not want to date a guy who says:
"Oh you're uncomfortable posing naked? Well, it's for a good cause and don't worry, I'll be naked too. It's a good thing we met 2 seconds ago."